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  • Writer's pictureKirk Jenkins

Cnut, On the Other Hand, Is Less Than Impressed With His Army

As you might have guessed, Canute is having a terrible day. He comes on stage next and roundly curses all his men, adding various snide remarks about the lack of gallantry among the Danish troops. Edricus delivers a short speech that makes you want to hit him from our current perch, ending yet another year of the pandemic, telling Canute hey, surely this has to be the bottom of the barrel, from here on out things will get better and better for you and worse for Ironside.

But Canute isn’t having it. What good is luck, he wonders, when he has nothing but cowards. Boy, if he just had Ironside’s men . . .

If this speech reminds you more than a little of Richard II’s pity party on the beach after his return from Ireland, give yourself extra credit!

Southampton reminds Canute that 90% of the ten thousand men he’s lost (!) were English, not Danish, and if he doesn’t hush up, they’re all going to run off. Canute says fine, kill ‘em all, at least it’ll stop their constant . . . um . . . “strategic redeployments.”

When Uskataulf pipes up and says actually, almost no Danes at all were killed, Canute snaps back at him, saying that’s just because they all ran.

Edricus the Sleazebag has a plan, though. He’ll go back to Ironside, do the I’ve been very very naughty but I’ve seen the error of my ways and I’m back now thing, and then pass intel to Canute of all Ironside’s plans. Canute cheers up and tells him to go do it and stalks out.

This leaves Edricus on stage. He bellows for Stitch and demands paper and ink.

Hang on. Remember I mentioned we have no idea who on earth Stitch is? Well, unless I missed it were never told, but apparently he’s Edricus’ brother! Now why Edricus is all high and mighty and Stitch is a servant, that’s another question. And now, back to the play.

Sleazebag turns his BS meter up to 11 and writes a fawning letter to Ironside. He then tells Stitch they’re going to switch clothes so Eddie can deliver the letter and find out whether Ironside will allow him back in The Family or not.

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