Fair Em, Act I, Scene 1: In Which Shakespeare . . . or Somebody . . . Tries Their Hand at a Renaissance “Meet Cute.” Sort of.

With apologies for the extended layoff (long story, which I think I’ll save for my memoirs), we’ve now reached Part 2 of our “So Did Shakespeare Write This Slop or Not?” series: Fair Em.

I know what you’re thinking . . . with that title, it should be a fictional biography of James Bond’s boss.  But alas, no.

We begin with William the Conqueror, having a spot of manly fun at a joust.  But suddenly Willie tosses away his sword and shield and tells a buddy, Marques Lubeck, that he needs to have a quick chat.

It seems that Willie has cast an eye upon the shield Marq is carrying, which is emblazoned with a painting of a lady.  Well, little did we know that Willie is apparently randy as a jackrabbit, because he tells Marq that he’s in love and he must have the lady, whoever she may be.  Marq explains that fair lady is none other than Blanche, who conveniently happens to be the daughter of King Zweno of Denmark.  Marq gallantly tells Willie you want her, she’s yours.

Time out however, because three questions come to mind.  The opening scene is clearly set in England.  The very first line refers to “England’s mighty Conqueror.”  Well, Willie knocked over England in 1066.  But the thing is, he got hitched in 1051. And yet, he’s having this attack of the screaming randies apparently entirely untroubled by, ya know, his wife.  Second question.  If she’s Princess Blanche, why isn’t this thing called Fair Blanche?  Well, be patient, all will be revealed.  And finally, an observation.  Willie is clearly a zero-to-sixty kind of a guy because the sum total of what he knows about ol’ Blanche is her picture.  Fast forward four hundred years and one of his successors will discover that relying on portraits can be a wee bit problematic (shout out to Hank 8.)  But to go from indifference-to-knee-buckling-love based solely on a picture would seem to suggest that Willie ain’t exactly operatin’ at the deep end of the pool.

Ah, but what Willie wants, and all that.  So he immediately gives his buddies the keys to the kingdom . . . another decision which he makes in a flash that has worked out a wee bit problematically for a few of Willie’s successors . . . and it’s off to Denmark!