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  • Writer's pictureKirk Jenkins

Ironside, the Most Credulous Man in the Kingdom

As Act V opens, Eddie Ironside strides on stage, and man oh man is he ever orey-eyed.

Yeah, I hear you sayin’ “he’s wut?” Well, it turns out that according to the fine folks at Merriam-Webster, orey-eyed is a synonym for “really angry.” They caution, citing a 1902 newspaper article, that it was once also a synonym for really drunk, so “use with care.” Yeah, well, given how this scene winds up, I think I’ll stick with it.

Well, Ironside is royally peeved, and Ulfkettle – picture having to write that in that little return address part of the envelope forever (gimme a break, this was at least five years before they even had email) - says you’re obviously God’s chosen, since he warned you to git before Edricus could do his evil.

At which point Edricus enters, limping pitifully, arm in a sling, presumably blood visible on his uniform, selling it as hard as he can.

Anyhoo, Edricus says howdy to Ironside, but he knows he needs to think fast when Ironside responds, “What the ACTUAL . . .” (you can complete that one)

Well, Edricus is nothing if not a man blessed with the guts of a burglar, so he tries to brazen it out. “What? Is this how you greet all your valiant heroes?”

Ironside is sputtering. Finally he gets out “Tell me, Sir Sleazebag, didst thou not bugger off to mine enemies like a wussy little girl who perhaps likes his Aebleskiver just a bit too much?”

What’s Aebleskiver? Danish dessert. Basically Danish pancake balls. And this concludes your “useless trivia of the day” corner.

Well, Edricus has worked out a fairly good story while walking back and forth between the lines (apparently without anybody seeing him – was this before armies figured out the concept of pickets?). He says Ironside was so far forward, that like a good and loyal court dude he was worried about the boss, so he tried to pitch in and get in a whuppin’ of his own on Canute to take the pressure off Ironside, and he’ll take his medals in extra-large, thankyouverymuch.

At this point, Ironside goes full-on Emily Litella with the “Oh, never mind” and announces he’s gonna send out a tweet to the whole dern army tellin’ ‘em how gosh-darn loyal Edricus is. (Might wanna expect that tweet to trend for an afternoon, boss.)

As the scene ends, Edricus channels his Richard III again and brags to the army about how apparently England has the two biggest idiots on the planet in the dueling thrones.

When the man’s right, he’s right.

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