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  • Writer's pictureKirk Jenkins

Act II, Scene 1 . . . In Which Ol’ C-Nut is Gonna Be Needing a Criminal Defense Attorney Soon

Cnut swans into the banquet that Southampton has arranged for him at Ye Olde Crib. But there’s just one thing missing . . . “Where, mine host, is thy little girl?”

Does Southey defend his kid and call Cnut a creep? Nope . . . um, says Southey, she’ll wander through sooner or later.

Not good enough, responds C-Nut. I’m not settin’ down till you bring me a girl.

Well, responds Southey, she’s just a tiny little thing, not remotely fit to keep your magnificent greatness company, Your Immensity.

Frack that, responds Cnut. I’m not goin’ in till I have a girl to dine with. As one does, if one is a Maximum Creep.

Southey relents and summons his daughter, telling her she needs to be nice to the creepy old guy.

Cnut takes one look and announces that Ooh, methinks a little weddin’ is in order.

Does Southey immediately call the police? Nope . . . Southey says you wanna take ‘er off my hands, you do you, boss.

They all turn to the girl – whose name is Egina, it turns out – and she says well, if Dad and King say so, whatever. As one does, if one is a victim of sexual abuse or statutory rape at minimum, sexual assault at maximum.

Cool, announces C-Nut, and he kisseths her. So Mr. Archbishop who, not to put too fine a point on it, frickin’ WORKS FOR ME, you up for this wedding thing? Canterbury responds that if everybody’s up for it, by golly, he’s up for it.

Cnut answers yeah, I’m up for it, didn’t I just say that, what we got a learning disability here? And Egina delivers one of the most appalling lines in all of It Might Be Shakespeare – “I say a woman’s silence is consent.”


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